You’re the Ghost that Lurks

Dear rapist,

What were you thinking? I know you weren’t deaf. Tell me, how long were you planning this? How long did it take you to convince yourself that this needed to be done? Or was it just in the moment? I should have ran when you kissed me. I could have ran far far away from you. What could I have said to make you change your mind? I spoke:

-“I don’t wan’t to have sex.”

-“That hurts.”

-“Please stop.”

-“Get off.”

-“You’re hurting me.”

-“Stop.”

-“Please stop.”

Why couldn’t you hear me? I’ve been trying to figure out my triggers to this memory. What will it take to erase the nightmares? Although, they don’t happen at night. I guess that would make it easier. These are more like “daymares”. When I see another man, I find myself being reminded of what you did to me. Why is that? I don’t even know these men and I hurt with bitter pain every time we share a glance. Why did you let it get that far? Do you even think about what you did to me? Probably not. Why were you not ashamed after everything was done? You! You are a master manipulator. Every time I see you I feel nothing but repulsion. So I am reminded of the stages of grief:

1. denial

2. anger

3. bargaining

4. depression

5. acceptance

Why did #1 last so long? Is it even normal to do what I did? What is wrong with me? I don’t feel like any better of a person than you because I stayed. Damn you! I wish I could really tell you all of these things. But I know the time spent doing so would be useless. Here’s a quote to help me speak: “The part of me that wanted sex to be a meaningful experience had ‘repurposed’ my rape into an act of love” (Tucker Reed). I think that I find this to be true for me. I am still trying to come to terms with this because I feel so foolish. So what now? How am I supposed to mourn? You continued to force me until I was about to pop out a baby. Foolish boy. F**k you!

Sincerely,

The Girl You Raped